THE POWER OF LOVE
It's never talked about- that intense, magnificent feeling of love that a parent gets to experience the moment their child is born, and forever forward. It's expected, and therefore taken for granted, which is a shame, because the intensity of that love is so remarkable and unique.
Before I had kids, I would listen to my contemporaries talking about their children. They would talk of the long nights with crying, colic infants, "the terrible two's," "the f***ing four's," surviving the teen years. Sometimes they'd comment their Kalie had made the honor role, or that Jordan had just got first chair for his violin, and their entire countenance would light up. But those moments were rare compared to the complaints, which seem to consume them with frustration and anxiety.
Like most women, I simply assumed that I would have children. I always thought I would have 2 kids, 2 or 3 years apart, in my early to mid 30's, after I'd established my career, and proven my own greatness. But it wasn't until I was almost forty that I became pregnant with my son, my first baby to survive the first trimester after five miscarriages.
I was a little scared about getting through the infant stage with the right amount of tolerance and compassion. My husband used to call infants .baby blobs,. and though I found the term distasteful, in my heart I had to agree. Eat, sleep, poop, and cry was about all I.d seen them do until at least 6 to 8 months old. But something happened the moment I held my son for the first time, minutes after delivery. A feeling so intense, so overwhelmingly powerful swept over me, and though the feeling was familiar, the intensity was not. It literally took my breath away when I realized the feeling of calm contentment, the sense of warmth and wholeness- was love.
Never in my wildest conception did I imagine the degree of love that could be attained until having children. I have been very lucky and known many levels of love, the love of my parents and siblings, a few dear friends, the love I now feel for my husband, passionate and true. But it doesn't touch the intensity of the love I feel for my kids. Virtually every time I am with my children, snuggle with them, kiss them goodnight, or just see them across a room, I feel that all encompassing love fill me up and consume me with tenderness and humility. And it still takes my breath away.
Probably parent's greatest reward is to feel the richness and power of that love integrated into every aspect of our lives. The price is living everyday with the fragility of life and the amorphic fear of losing that love. People who never have children, or don't devote their life to raising them- as with adoption, will never know this level of love. They will never understand that the feeling that we call 'love' can be this intense. I've heard many of my contemporaries say with conviction that they've never wanted, and will never have kids. That line is often followed by rationalizations like, "I'm just selfish I guess." But the truth is they are only robbing themselves.
Possibly life's greatest gift is our ability to feel. We all experience pain and sorrow, happiness and joy to varying degrees. But only parents get to embrace the infinite levels that love can reach.