THE PROBLEM WITH PARENTS
There is a child in my daughter's preschool that everyone dislikes. She hits, pushes, slaps, and throws a fit every time she doesn't get her way. All the teachers at the preschool dread having this wild child in their class. She is constantly being disciplined or sent to the office for being disruptive. Her mom has been notified multiple times in regards to her child's poor behavior.
Speculation from parents and teachers alike ranged from ADD to genetic disorders. I've often imagined the parents to be self-centered workaholics who had children as a matter of course, and then abandoned them to expensive daycare to manage their child rearing. This is somewhat typical in the high priced area in which we live.
I met the mom recently at a class party and she shattered all my preconceived notions. We talked for quite some time and she was thoughtful and articulate. She worked only part time and mostly late at night so she could be there for her two kids. Her older daughter was in second grade and in her second year of GATE classes for gifted children. She spoke openly about the problems with her youngest, even seemed mystified, as her older daughter had always been easygoing and cooperative.
At my daughters fourth birthday party it became clear just what was going on. The entire class was invited to our home for the celebration. We supplied crafts and a magic show, and a yard complete with a swing set/jungle gym structure as well as a full size playhouse with kitchen. But all this wasn't enough for the problem child. Bored by the offerings she went upstairs and into my daughter's closet and proceeded to try on clothes. Her mother and I became aware of this when my daughter came to me in tears.
I immediately asked that the child take off my daughter's favorite princess dress and return it to the closet. The child threw a fit. "NO! I don't want to!" she screamed. Her mother stood beside me and sighed heavily but said nothing. Nothing. I repeated my request and the girl continued screaming that she wanted to play dress up, that she wasn't going to take the dress off and I couldn't make her. Her mother looked at me, sighed again and shook her head. In a nice, pleasant tone she suggested to her daughter that perhaps she could take the dress off and maybe play dress up after the party was over. Still the girl refused.
I couldn't believe it. If it was my daughter, I would have instantly given her a time out, then demanded she apologize for speaking that way and for using with things that didn't belong to her without permission. If she didn't cooperate within one second she would have lost privileges like playing dress up or watching TV. And every subsequent second that passed that she didn't comply she would lose more privileges for longer periods of time.
I felt awkward disciplining the child with the mother standing right there but I didn't know what else to do since the mother wasn't doing anything. In a very low voice I informed the child if she didn't take the dress off I would do it for her. By my tone the girl knew I was serious and she acquiesced. She literally threw the dress at me and ran off to play with the other kids. And her mom let her. She didn't chide the child for her poor behavior. She looked at me and shrugged as if to say, "See what I have to deal with?" But instead she said she was sorry. SHE was sorry. She didn't have her daughter apologize.
It is no wonder her child is a raving lunatic brat.
I see this again and again- parents who do not consistently discipline their children and then wonder why their kids are out of control. They take parenting classes that are taught by psychologist who tell them with authority to be supportive and encouraging. And while this may work with easy kids who above all seek approval, it is not the solution to children whose greater interest is pleasing themselves.
Most of us are born solipsists. We have to learn to consider the world outside ourselves, to cooperate, but this must be taught. It has been said that it takes a village to raise children. But I don't want to be part of a village in which the parents are clueless, or even worse, couldn't care less.
I held a Cub Scout meeting at my home a few days ago. One of the mom's came an hour late and her child missed the craft in which the kids make rockets. Her son was so angered by this he went up to his mom and slugged her, hard, in her shoulder. And SHE APOLOGIZED TO HIM for being late, and then turned to me and justified his rage with some lame excuse about how hard it was for him to transition. It took all my will not to step in, demand he apologize and then put the kid on time out.
I did not restrain myself last night at a Pack meeting with fifty other children, when the same boy became disruptive. Several parents stood in a tight circle scowling and complaining about the boy's poor behavior, and the child's parents were too busy talking to other parents to notice. I got so annoyed at the boy's constant goading of the kids around him that I took him by the hand and pulled him aside and told him to knock it off. The mom came over moments later and challenged ME for possibly overreacting. All the other parents looked away.
Hiding in the land of the three monkeys- covering eyes, ears, and mouth, will not help our children learn to integrate and create a thriving society. Though parenting offers many rewards and challenges, one of the least appealing aspects is constantly reiterating the seemingly endless list of rules. But as hard as this is, it's mandatory. Social standards apply to all of us- if not, we have a society in chaos, and eventually no society at all.